The Edgy Librarian

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. I find myself challenged by not having a keyboard, a real keyboard, at home. I could buy a ChromeBook, but I’d rather rip my fingernails off with a rusty pliers than do that. So…

I have made an important discovery this summer. To many of you, it may seem like a very obvious observation, but to me, it was a bit of a revelation. I spent over 3 decades in education. I was given sweaters and t-shirts with odd sayings and arrowheads and rocks in a bag and jars of jam and the list goes on and on. Most of that was purged when I left. I also have a box full of notes from students over the years, many of which mean a great deal to me yet.

One thing that I never felt like I received, and maybe it did happen in the early years, were honest words of appreciation for what I did. We received group praise occasionally, but I cannot recall one honest statement of appreciation for what I did, particularly from anyone in authority. Granted, by my last couple of years, I was worn out and beaten down, so I wasn’t anywhere near my peak years, but even way back then…

An example…for many years, I was privileged to serve on several national book committees, and I was even asked to chair the one that was closest to my heart. The first committee I was asked to be on brought in over 1,000 free books to the school district. I was required to attend midwinter and summer ALA, in exchange. When I asked to go to the first meeting in January, I received an odd response. Mind you, I was paying for the entire trip myself because I knew that I would NEVER get to go if I asked for money. I was called into the office and I was asked many questions about my absence. It was intimated that there was concern for how I would represent the school district. Now, granted, I can be a bit of a loose cannon, but I do know HOW to behave. I just often choose not to. I do remember asking if they were worried that I was going to strip and dance on the table in the committee room. Maybe that’s why they were worried, huh? Anyway, I was required to get a note from the president of YALSA about what this committee entailed. She mentioned how much value this brought the district, as well as how much knowledge their librarian would accrue. It was met with crickets, but I did get my meeting request approved. I went on to serve on several other committees, as well as speak at the national convention four times. If you added it all up (I have the spreadsheets somewhere), it had to have been over 10,000 free books that we received over the years.

Anyway, no one ever once mentioned my involvement in that again. No administrator, at any rate. I stopped asking if it was okay to go and just started submitting the requests to attend, asking for no money. They were approved; I think there was one time that I used my personal days to go to one. I didn’t need a parade or public recognition or even a jar of jam for it, but it would have gone a long way for someone in a position of authority to recognize my involvement and passion for what I was doing.

Why do I tell that story? As I typed it, it felt a little like bitter grapes, but it plays into my point here. At the vet clinic, I had one of my coworkers thank me for jumping up and helping some people get their elderly dog in to the building. She noticed something that I did and simply said thank you. And that happens often at the clinic in many directions, and it goes a long way. Those of you reading this that work there, it’s really way way better than school…trust me.

At any rate, the moral of this story is this…you don’t need to give people things or empty praise in a general statement. You simply need to notice something about them and acknowledge them for that. I found this worked very well with teenagers, but I didn’t realize its power until I made this job change.

And don’t even get me started on how nice it is to actually feel like someone listens to you and doesn’t just treat you like an hysterical old woman. I have some decent qualities, and here at the clinic, I can use them. I am compassionate, passionate about things close to my heart and empathetic. I get to make use of those qualities, as well as a decent dose of sarcasm (that protection of black humor, you know) to do my job now, and I enjoy it very much.

If you’re an educator, give your fellow educators that tiny bit of acknowledgement for something you have seen them do. Don’t just say “You’re a great teacher”, but tell them “You’re a great teacher because I watched you talk to that young lady who was so upset. You helped her calm down. Thank you for doing that.”

 

At the close of March, I thought it was appropriate that I talk about wind. I just finished listening to a book entitled Ill Wind by Dan Chabon. Honestly, I was quite disappointed by it. The plot had a great deal of potential, but by the end, you felt rather like the author seemed to feel…just get it over with. It ended with a less than satisfactory whimper when it could have been so much more interesting. Serial killer who is very mobile, cypher in the dates bodies are found, flashbacks to a mass killing in the primary character’s past, uncle recently out of jail…on second though as I type all of that, the book suffered from way too much. There was no way to pull it all together, so he just gave up and wrote The End.

I am now listening to The Woman in the Window. It’s for the fans of Gone Girl (although I really was lukewarm on that one). What I like about this book is the 40’s film noir references. The author is doing an acceptable job writing in that style, and I’m enjoying the flashbacks to Bogart and Bacall and Hitchchock. I’m afraid that it’s going to end predictably though. Stay tuned…

My week of retirement practice is coming to a close, and I am honestly rather bereft about it. To stick with the wind theme, I felt like this week was a downdraft that shot me through the entire week (I know, that was a terrible stretch). My body feels happiest when it’s heading to sleep around 4 am and getting up around 11 am. I have to admit that there was absolutely nothing about school that I missed this week, and I’m worried about making it through the next 48 days. I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever. I guess it’s a severe case of senioritis.

Speaking of seniors, I know I’m a bit behind, but the walk outs that the students participated in are giving me new hope. I am feeling like we needed to get to this point of hypocrisy and insanity to wake people up, and waking up the young adults is a huge score. I’m seeing resolution and activism in their eyes, and I like it. They are bringing us back to the future of the Civil Rights Movement, and hopefully this time we can make it stick! Let’s make some huge changes and move this country forward. We talk about the rights abuses of countries all over the globe, and we desperately need to be paying attention to our own backyard. People are dying for many reasons, not just lack of sensible weapon control, and our country needs to address those issues right now. I think these young people can force that with their voting power, and I think they are realizing that.

Observations this week…all of the old people get their nails done during the day at my nail place. I talked with one woman who is 92. She told me about her boyfriend is is 87 and blind, so she has to get on the ladder. I thought that might be a bad idea. I’m also learning that 33 years in education have not prepared me for entitled pet owners. I realize that when your pet is ill, you want answers. Unfortunately, at the emergency clinic, emergencies take precedence over, say, a limp that your dog has had for three weeks. You can try to impress me with your fancy suit and your big guy job, but ultimately, you will be seen after the hit by car and after the respiratory distress. And if you puff your chest out at me, after you’ve tried to impress me with your business card, I’ll make sure to lean into your entitled space, Mister.  I may be wearing an Easter bunny scrub top but I’m a cranky SOB.

What else? I’m working 12 hours of time and a half on Easter! Yay! I’m still enjoying the vet job a great deal. I work with really smart hard-working people, and I’m finding the private sector much different than the public sector. If I bring up an issue, management looks in to it. AND they get back to me about it. AND they treat what I say with respect, AND they acknowledge and appreciate (sincerely) when I help out. I realize this might still be the honeymoon period but I’ve put a lot of hours in the last couple of months, and I’m not seeing things differently.

Okay, well, that was all fairly boring, but I hadn’t written in awhile. I keep hoping that I’ll get more interesting or funnier, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. Until then, I’ll at least have some book ideas for you.

 

I spent five days away from all of the work hours. The first night/day of travel was rather stressful. I worked at school, worked at the vet from 4pm-11pm, drove down to O’Hare and got there around 3am. My flight left at 5am and I got into Phoenix at 8am. Whew.

I have a friend of many years who moved from NYC to Scottsdale. I had a marvelous time. Scottsdale is a great city to visit. They have lots of shopping (which I’m not terribly fond of) and lots of restaurants and bars. I ate some amazing food while I was there. Barrio Queen was a fascinating restaurant with the best enchiladas I’ve ever had. Yummy margaritas too. I also ate at a place called Olive and Ivy. It was a little more expensive, but they had lamb meatballs in taziki sauce that were to die for. They had nice drinks too, but they were also very costly.

I miss traveling as much as I did in the past. I had several very interesting encounters that my friend Russell says this trip was a vision question (I love Russell, but…). I feel that when you travel alone, you open yourself up for interactions with strangers. My first intriguing interaction was on the flight from O’Hare to Phoenix. I sat next to a gentleman who was quite disabled by knee troubles. He was very sweet and we talked about everything, including his girlfriend in Germany over 25 years ago. He told me that he thought I was a very kind soul and he was glad to have had the chance to talk with me. He was a Christian who really believed that you should do good things because of your religion, not judge and be intolerant about things you may not understand or things you have been “told” are bad.

I rented a car in Phoenix, and I had a ball. My first stop by a lunch with someone I worked with at Lerner in NYC eons ago. It was wonderful to catch up, and it was quite serendipitous that she lives about 45 minutes north of Phoenix. She looks so content and so much more relaxed. It was delightful to spend some time with her, and in the sun, nonetheless.

My next stop was my hotel. I had another wonderful interaction with Keith the valet, who later in my trip saved me some money when I mistakenly over-tipped the other valet. (Organize your bills, Lynn). When I checked in, the desk agent told me that someone must like me because I got a great upgrade. Little did I know the room was gigantic and it had a monstrous bath tub!!! My wrap around patio was pretty covered so it was too cool, but I definitely enjoyed the room and the tub and the pool and the sun.

I met several other intriguing people while I was out and about. I went to a mall about 40 miles outside of Phoenix (I needed bath bombs from Lush), and because I turned the wrong way off the escalator, I met a very interesting young lady who did a beautiful henna design on my arm. We had a great chat while she was doing the henna, and I discovered (I already knew when I saw her though) that she suffered from being a  highly sensitive person. We talked about the best books to read and the best things to do to help yourself. I know that my life would have been entirely different if I would have learned about why I was so odd when I was 23. We are keeping in touch because it’s good to have a pushy old lady in your life. Her new catch phrase…NOT MY SHIT.

After I returned home from my journey, relaxed and happier than when I left, I jumped right back into work and it felt like I never left. My retirement letter was due by March 1, so I sent that in. All it said was…”It is my intention to retire at the end of the 2017-2018 school year”. I hope that my brevity made a point.

It’s sad to be going out with these feelings of frustration that I have, but it’s also good because it’s forcing me to make the decision I might have put off forever. I have worked at the vet clinic for five months now, and I am astonished how they work very hard to stand up for their employees. Even publicly, they work to make sure everyone feels supported, and it’s not just lip service. They really do act on what they say they will act on, at least in my case they do. No job is perfect, but the first time they had my back, I really felt good.

As of today, I have 60 school days left. I’m suffering from a pretty severe case of senioritis right now. I definitely know how the kids feel, and spring isn’t even here right now. It will be a fantastic relief to not get home at 11:30pm and have to be up by 6am the next morning. I really dislike mornings. I long for the days when I work until 11pm, go to sleep at 4am and get up at noon. Now that’s my kind of schedule…

 

 

 

This has been a week filled with many stories and much emotion. As most of you, I am saddened by yet another school shooting in the news. I struggle, sometimes minute-by-minute, to comprehend how anyone can justify the gun culture in this country. I reposted a meme yesterday that said that Congress outlawed Lawn Jarts after one person was killed and one father went on a tear. (http://mentalfloss.com/article/31176/how-one-dad-got-lawn-darts-banned). Apparently, the Lawn Dart industry did not have as much money to encourage Congress people to keep them alive as the gun industry does. I’ve heard all of the arguments, and I don’t care what other people think anymore. There is NO FLIPPING REASON any human being, let alone a young adult, can walk into a store and buy an AR-15. NO REASON!!!  Don’t even try to convince me otherwise because I’m done being reasonable and listening. From what I’ve read, it sounds like the kids from Parkland are going to make this the last school shooting. I’m behind them 1000%, and if I was rich, I’d fly down there and hug them all and march and scream right along with them. We should not live in fear when we send our children to school. If you disagree, go tell someone who might listen because I will not. I’ve been involved in active shooter drills and when you’re running across the field towards a police officer as he points a gun at you because there is no way he knows who you are, it’s terrifying, and I’m a 50 year old woman and it was a drill. Anyway, I hope these kids can impact and push for change.

I’m actively and passionately counting down my days to June 7. It’s funny how once my brain figured out that I could retire and only have to give up most food groups but not all, I’ve developed a serious case of senioritis. My colleagues in the library still hold hope that I will change my mind, but that will not be happening. I am ready to start the next phase of my life which includes not stressing about getting to sleep at 3am and no longer worrying about what goes on in the bathroom across from the library. I’m attempting to throw away a giant garbage can of crap a day, but I think a more realistic goal is one per week. Someone said I should just leave it and take what I want but there’s a ton of junk after 33 years! I thought I’d feel sad, but that hasn’t happened yet. Knowing me, there will eventually be tears, but right now, that light at the end of the tunnel is glowing brightly.

Let’s refer to the book about the demoralization of educators. The author makes a valid point that teachers are not burning out, they are leaving intentionally. Burning out implies that they are weak in some way…can’t take it. I feel that demoralized is more like it. More and more parents are on the attack, and more and more administrators bow down to their wants and needs. I have spent the last 33 years “building relationships” with kids, sometimes the most impossible kids, and I don’t think I had to let them walk all over me to do it. Some of my best relationships with kids were the ones that I had to fight with over and over again. Patting them on the back and saying “Try to light a smaller fire” next time is not the way to make things work. I’m an INFP, an empath and a Pisces, so I have a very strong sense of right and wrong (according to me, of course), so that makes living this life more difficult. Or maybe it’s my age. When I started, I thought the old timers were angry and bitter. Now, I get it. It’s sad though because through it all, I’ve always loved most of the kids.

Some insanity from the week at the vet clinic…stay with me here. Advice: if your chicken gets it’s face ripped off by a possum, euthanize it. There’s not much of a decision to be made there, and chickens can hang on for a long time. Advice: if your dog is no longer breathing and you’ve been treating its cough with honey, giving it more honey while it’s collapsed on the floor isn’t going to help. Advice: if you live in Marine Park, Brooklyn, NY, don’t call Madison, WI for your collapsed cat. Advice: don’t yell at the phone girl about your ill pet. She did not make your pet sick, and she does not appreciate you saying that you’ve already spent $500 at your stupid clinic and then ask for advice. It’s probably not going to work in your favor. Just put your dog on the phone and we can have a better conversation.

And that is all for today. There is always more to say…so stay tuned.

 

So, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve made up my mind to retire, regardless of how scary the pension will be. With my hours at the vet clinic, I’ll be perfectly fine, but there are many things to keep me awake at night.

Oddities to share since my last blog…

Clients at the vet clinic have been somewhat demanding lately. I had one woman tell me that other receptionists would have already gotten off the phone with her and consulted a vet about her problem “already”, as I attempted to explain to her that it would be in the best interest of her pet to be seen again. She didn’t have that kind of money, so she would like the vet’s opinion over the phone. Now, the place I work is more than generous about talking with people, clients or not, and giving advice as to whether we think the pet needed to be seen and if there were any things they could do on their own. The client in question also called me “honey”. That seems to happen a lot to me, and in that condescending way, it makes me even less inclined to provide “free” assistance.

School has not disappointed in the odd behavior category either. Don’t even get me started about the plastic bag situation on the broken phones. I’m trying my best not to believe what I was told by the student was the actual fact, but the awful truth is that it’s a possibility. I think that is one of the most pervasive factors in my decision to leave. I am too old to discuss why what you did was wrong. You know damn well it’s wrong, and our conversation about it isn’t going to help. Instead, we chat about why you shouldn’t set a fire in the middle of the commons, and we come to an agreement that we shouldn’t do that again in the near future. Did we all understand? How do we all feel about it? Is your self-esteem still fully intact so you can go out and set another fire in another location? Let’s have hug and move forward. Nope, I can’t do that anymore. The should shrugging and the coddling is not my style. As teenagers, they KNOW that what they’re doing is wrong, and why should they not do it? There is no punishment for it. The pendulum has swung and I feel like Miley Cyrus in the wrecking ball video, barely hanging on.

It’s really a shame to have to leave with those feelings. I’ll miss some of the kids, but after last year, I’ve just stopped caring as much. I don’t know the names of the new teachers, and I don’t have the energy to put into the situation anymore. I have a new situation to put my energy in to, and I have been giving thought as to what my next adventure will be.

Now, on to reading…woke up to one of my favorite texts of all time earlier this week. A close friend has a new job that is much further from his home. He’s taken to audio books, and we’ve been sharing what we’ve been listening to. He’s been enjoying Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea and his text to me said, “Jules Verne really turns my crank”. Those are the kind of people that I need in my life.

I’ve spent the week with Samantha Irby’s We are Never Meeting in Real Life. She reads it, and I’m not a huge fan of her reading style. The book is hilarious in parts, but it’s also a little TMI, too. I definitely find humor in her observations, but I’m not sold that her sexual observations are all that hilarious. I’m certainly not a prude, but a good deal of it feels that it’s for shock value and not real humor.

I’m also wandering back every so often to The Magpie Murders. I am enjoying it because it’s a very standard British mystery I believe. I plan to go back to that more steadily this coming week. There’s Something Inside Your House, a YA horror, is on deck after that.

What am I reading, instead of listening to? Right now, I’m reading a true crime by M. William Phelps called Targeted. I was reading Mad City by William Arntfield but I eventually gave up because it was so poorly written. It’s about a murder on the Madison campus in 1968. I had read about the murder, but I didn’t know much about it. This book was published by Little A which I suspect is a self-publishing operation. It desperately needs a good editor because sentence structure and flow were awkward.

That’s all for tonight. If you’re reading anything interesting or want a suggestion, put a comment in. Let’s talk about whatever you want to talk about.